SPOILER ALERT: This review discusses the plot of the movie and the twist at the end. So, if you haven’t watched the move and are planning to, don’t read this if you want to be surprised. Believe me, you will be. But not in a good way if you’re a faithful Catholic.

I watched “Conclave” last night, the Hollywood movie about a conclave to elect a new pope. Basically, it’s Hollywood’s fantasy about what the Catholic Church is and what they would like it to be if they were in charge.

The film is cinematically beautiful. The acting is superb. The script is less so, and the plot is … well, see above. Stereotypes are everywhere, but it is a Hollywood film about the Catholic Church, so why would anyone expect anything else? I suspect, though, that the author of the book on which the movie is based, and those who made the movie don’t think they are stereotypes at all. They think the Church is really replete with such characters. I suppose that’s what makes a bigot a bigot. I mean, if a bigot didn’t really believe his or her stereotypes, would he or she really be a bigot?

Ralph Fiennes plays Cardinal Thomas Lawrence, dean of the College of Cardinals when the unnamed pope dies. The movie makes clear that the recently deceased pope was a “reformer” who ultimately lost faith in the Church. Cardinal Lawrence, a liberal portrayed as a good man, wanted to resign as dean but the pope refused his resignation. It seems the Holy Father expected his imminent death and wanted Lawrence to be in charge of managing the resulting conclave, which he does. We get a good sense of where Lawrence stands when he gives his homily at what I suppose is the opening Mass of the conclave. Lawrence states plainly that the greatest sin is certainty, because certainty is the enemy of unity. I wondered: is this guy running a conclave or running to be the next Archbishop of Canterbury? He actually prays for a pope who will doubt. Yes, you read that correctly – a pope who will doubt. Because we can’t actually be caught believing anything sincerely and deeply without compromising unity, which has, I can only conclude, replaced the beatific vision as the new goal for the Catholic faithful. I thought doubt as the supreme virtue went out thirty or more years ago, but I guess Hollywood hopes to revive the idea.

Stanley Tucci plays Cardinal Aldo Bellini, an American with an Italian name, who is as liberal as they come and so, naturally, the early favorite to succeed the reforming late pontiff. He says he doesn’t want the job, but it’s clear throughout that he does. He insists, though, that he only wants it because he doesn’t want Cardinal Goffredo Tedesco, played by Sergio Castellitto, the horrid Italian reactionary … er, I mean, traditionalist, to become pope. Bellini fears that is a real possibility. John Lithgow plays Cardinal Joseph Tremblay, a Canadian who was sacked by the pope just … and I mean just … before the pope dies (Hmmm!), so that no one knows about it, except a tearful archbishop who somehow learned of it and informs Lawrence. It’s all hearsay until Lawrence finds tell-all paperwork hidden in the pope’s bedboard. It also confirms that Tremblay paid off several cardinals to vote for him, while arranging to destroy the reputation of Cardinal Joshua Adeyemi, an African prelate played by Lucian Msamati. Oh, my, but the plot thickens! Have you kept up? Because there’s more.

Finally, Carlos Diehz plays Cardinal Vincent Benitez, an unknown from Mexico who arrives just in time from doing the Lord’s work in the Congo and Afghanistan and was named a cardinal in pectore, that is, in secret, by the now deceased pope. None of the others have ever heard of Benitez, but the priest comes with credentials, so Lawrence cannot refuse the cardinal. Immediately, we know that Benitez is going to be elected the new pope. Why? Because everyone else, except Lawrence (but he, too, has his struggles) is a jerk, while Benitez is the real deal – a Christian among men mostly only pretending to be.

While Lawrence works to figure out how to manage this conclave amidst all the intrigue, he somehow gets regular reports from his detective monsignor, even though supposedly being sequestered. Oh, and the movie takes just enough time to slur Pope Benedict XVI as a member of the Nazi Youth who “fought for the Nazis.” Lawrence exposes Tremblay, comforts Adeyemi, supports then rejects Bellini, and puts up, though only barely, with Tedesco. After an over the top scene where a Sistine Chapel window is blasted open by a bomb (we never know from what group), the light is allowed in to the Chapel (cue angelic music!), spotlighting Lawrence. This lends itself to the cardinals gathering in what appears to be a theater where Tedesco lets go a rant that all good Hollywood producers just know is how traditionalists really feel – demanding to take the Church back to pre-Vatican II days and a hatred of immigrants, especially Muslims, and other religions, especially Islam. Bellini tells Tedesco that he should be ashamed of himself. The ruckus is only broken by the voice of Benitez rising above the din and, after they quiet, delivering a speech of such sophmoric platitudes and cliches that one wonders why the late pope made this Mexican a cardinal. To wit: We all must respect each other. The Church is not about tradition, but about the future. Fighting with each other is bad. Living in unity is good. Here, I brought some homemade cookies and milk. Okay, I made up that last one, but it seems fitting.

Naturally, Benitez is elected on the next vote, and the holy cardinal accepts and takes the regnal name “Innocent,” which makes Lawrence smile, though in delight or irony it’s hard to say. Everyone applauds. Then Lawrence’s monsignor detective approaches him all distraught. What could this possibly be about? He says that he didn’t say anything before the vote because he didn’t think Benitez could possibly be elected.

Cut to Lawrence making haste through the Sistine Chapel to the room where Benitez is being dressed with the pontifical vestments. He chases everyone out. Could it be true? Could the medical procedure Benitez underwent in Switzerland really have been a … laproscopic hysterectomy? Yes. Yes, it’s true. Except Benitez decided against the procedure, preferring to remain as God had made him. Which is meant to be the biggest “Awww…” or the biggest guffaw of the movie, since we now know that Cardinal Benitez is, in fact, a biological female. Yes, the newly elected Pope Innocent is a transgendered man. Which means he is no man, at all. She is a woman. Benitez reveals that the late pope knew all along. Which, if you haven’t figured out by now then you have no radar for cinematic foreshadowing, is precisely why he refused Lawrence’s resignation as dean. He wanted Lawrence to be dean of the next conclave because, deep down, he knew Benitez would be elected and he knew Lawrence would be understanding. And, so he is. At first, he is obviously shocked, but Cardinal Lawrence quickly warms to the idea and reveals nothing to anyone. The movie ends with the good cardinal looking out a window as a group of religious women leave a building happy and giggling, doubtless over the news that “We have a pope!” Why destroy their joy?

Needless to say, “Conclave” has been hailed as cinematic gold by critics and nominated for numerous awards, including Best Picture by the Academy Awards. We all should have suspected something when the movie was nominated by the Academy, since the new rules require that a movie include racial minorities and LGBTQ+ persons as characters if it’s going to be considered. Yep, that should have tipped us off that at least one of the cardinals would be a closet LGBTQ+ person, so why not the top man (er … woman) himself (I mean … herself … Oh, this is just too complicated!). I wouldn’t be surprised if it won Best Picture. I don’t know what else is in the running, and I haven’t watched the Oscars in twenty years or more, but I bet “Conclave” as a decent shot at it. After all, like I said above, it is cinematically beautiful, the costumes are magnificent, and the acting superb. Plus, it has the added benefit of dissing the Catholic Church, every Hollywood producers favorite religion to hate.

Jesus told His disciples, “I have told you this so that you might have peace in me. In the world you will have trouble, but take courage. I have conquered the world” (Jn 16:33). We cannot expect the world to love us. After all, we follow a crucified Lord, who was killed because the world would not tolerate a life lived in perfect obedience to the will of the Father. And, while Catholics have certainly been responsible for some pretty heinous acts throughout our history, only a myopic reading of history would deny that, on balance, the contributions of Catholics have far outweighed our sins. But that is not why we believe. We do not believe in Christ because Catholics are perfect. We believe in Christ because Christ is perfect. And, I might add, as Peter did when so many walked away over the hard sayings of Jesus to “eat my body, drink my blood,” … “Master, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and are convinced that you are the Holy One of God” (Jn 6:68-69).

Be Christ for all. Bring Christ to all. See Christ in all.