Dear friends, it has been a difficult week so far.

On Monday, I received some challenging news. My blood pressure has been dropping precipitously during dialysis. When I say precipitously, I mean my systolic number is what my diastolic number should be. I regularly fall into the 90s/60s, and occasionally down to 80s/50s. I have nearly blacked out. When this happens, I can get confused and catch myself saying things that don’t make sense in real world context, though perhaps they do in my confused context. Today, they very nearly sent me to the ER, except my blood pressure finally recovered after nearly a liter bolus of saline – all the way up to 98/whatever! My clinic has been trying to fix this problem with medication, but the medication isn’t working. They’re going to try other methods to fix it. I have a wonderful nephrologist who is very committed to keeping me on the transplant list. But if they can’t fix the problem, I’ll be kicked off the transplant list. Even the possibility is troubling. I hate going to dialysis. I find myself very uncomfortable sitting in that chair for four hours straight, unable to get up, barely able to shift. And having to keep my left arm still because otherwise I may rip a hole in my graft is barely bearable. When my blood pressure drops, I become symptomatic: very sleepy and irritable. This makes it impossible to read, pray, or even watch TV while I sit in that chair. About the only thing I can do with little effort is sleep. But who wants to sleep during the day when other, more productive, things can be done? Terribly frustrating. And the prospect that I will no longer be eligible to receive a kidney transplant so that dialysis becomes my way of life for the rest of my life is … I don’t even want to think about it. Not long ago, I prayed that God make clear to me how He wanted me to serve Him, and that I would accept what He had in store for me as His will for me. If this is His will for me, I will embrace it. I can unite my pathetic sufferings to His glorious sufferings and, in some small way, participate in the redemption of the world. What a marvelous privilege our Savior has given us! Please pray that I’ll be able to stay on the transplant list and that I’ll soon receive a kidney.

Be Christ for all. Bring Christ to all. See Christ in all.